Relationships take effort. It’s work to build intimacy, communicate well, and support each other. When conflicts arise, many couples turn to therapy for guidance. One approach that’s stood the test of time is the Gottman Method.
But what exactly is the Gottman Method, and how does it benefit relationships?
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is grounded in over four decades of research by Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to understand the dynamics of successful relationships. Unlike many other therapeutic approaches, the Gottman Method is rooted in empirical data as well as theory. Through these studies, the Gottmans identified specific behaviors and interactions that can predict the success or failure of a relationship.
One of the most well-known aspects of the Gottman Method is the concept of the “Four Horsemen,” or the four negative communication patterns that often predict relationship breakdown:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
The Gottmans found that when these behaviors dominate a relationship, they’re more likely to separate. However, by addressing these patterns and replacing them with healthier communication strategies, couples can stick together.
Key components of the Gottman Method
Building love maps
Love Maps refer to the detailed knowledge partners have of one another’s worlds—likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, and more. Couples are encouraged to ask open-ended questions and engage in meaningful conversations to regularly update their love maps.
Nurturing fondness and admiration
This component focuses on reinforcing positive feelings towards each other. This helps couples build a solid foundation of respect and appreciation.
Turning toward instead of away
In daily interactions, partners make bids for attention, affection, or support. The Gottman Method encourages couples to recognize these bids and respond positively by “turning towards” their partner. This practice strengthens emotional connection and reduces feelings of neglect.
Managing conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how couples manage it can make all the difference. The Gottman Method teaches couples how to approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset rather than a confrontational one. Techniques include softening startup (beginning a conversation without criticism) and using repair attempts (efforts to de-escalate tension).
Creating shared meaning
This might involve establishing rituals, setting common goals, or sharing values and beliefs. Creating shared meaning helps couples feel united in their journey together.
Trust and commitment
Trust is built when partners consistently act in ways that benefit each other, while commitment involves actively choosing the relationship, even during hard times.
How the Gottman Method benefits relationships
Gottman Therapy offers a practical approach
Unlike some therapeutic methods that rely heavily on abstract concepts, the Gottman Method provides couples with concrete tools and techniques they can apply in their daily lives. For instance, by learning to recognize and counteract the Four Horsemen, couples can stop destructive communication patterns before they cause irreparable harm.
Gottman Therapy creates natural connections
The method’s strategies help couples connect organically rather than forcing intimacy. For example, as partners build love maps and nurture fondness, they deepen their emotional connection despite whatever conflicts they’re working through. The emphasis on body language and responding to a partner’s bids also creates a more intimate relationship.
The Gottman strategies can be revisited
Even after couples finish their sessions, the skills learned in the Gottman Method can be returned to for relationship tune-ups. When new conflicts arise or the couple doesn’t feel as emotionally close as before, they can revisit Gottman’s techniques to rebuild that trust.
Are you ready to try the Gottman Method?
Don’t wait until you’re having a relationship-ending conflict in your partnership to seek therapy. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for decades, you’ll benefit from the intimacy-building approach of the Gottman Method.
To learn more about the Gottman Method and how to get started with couples therapy, please reach out to us.
